Penny For Your Thoughts, Music For Your Money.

What next...

2012-01-16T01:02:00.002-04:00

I'm in a bad place.

There are so many things going on in my life right now and I don't know how to keep it all together.

There are just so many possibilities, I don't know which road to take. I feel like I'm trying to choose between not only door A and door B, but also doors C-Z. There are just so many decisions that need to be made and so little time in which make them.

I just need to clear my head.

I just need time.

Prove it

2012-01-10T02:43:00.005-04:00

I hate New Year's Resolutions.

Now that we have that established, I'm going to talk about my New Year's Resolution.

Hypocritical? You betcha. Perhaps I'll explain a little further; don't judge just yet.

I'm not a fan of resolutions, plain and simple. I generally feel that when I make one, I'm just setting myself up for failure. To be honest, I think everyone does in a way. We set goals for ourselves that are often unrealistic and yet, we're naïve enough to be disappointed when we fail in our endeavors.

Failure lies in the specificity of the resolution. While it seems that setting measurable goals will only aid in keeping track of progress, it is once more a setup for failure. If I resolve to read for a half hour every night before bed, and I only read for 20 minutes because I'm overtired or something of the sort, I've broken my resolution. At the heart of the matter, there will be times in which I'll need to make an exception.

Wholeheartedly diving in to a specific resolution to which I know I'll have to make exceptions seems counter-productive and for this reason, I don't believe in doing it.

Resolutions are, nonetheless admirable. At their core, they show a desire to change, to ameliorate oneself; in this respect, I absolutely do believe in making a resolution. One should always strive to better oneself, not to simply be satisfied with life in its current state.

I believe as human beings, we are simply full of potential. We find ourselves here, alone and in a world with no apparent meaning. This could be disheartening, but in another way, this can be the most uplifting thing one could possibly hear. The fact that we are simply here, means that things simply are; there is an inherent innocence. Life is neither meaningful nor meaningless, it simply is*. This gives us the complete ability to derive meaning for ourselves. Life can be whatever we will it to be. We have the potential to do anything, to give life whatever meaning we want it to take on. Some find this meaning in religion, some find it in politics, music, science etc, but the point is that we, as individuals have the potential to create meaning for our lives.

I have potential, you have potential, we, as humans all have potential.

How does this fit along the theme of a New Year's resolution, then? It's rather simple, I suppose. I feel as though a resolution, at its core is an attempt to better oneself and I believe that human beings have unlimited potential to grow and derive meaning. I, as a human being, wish to better myself and I believe I have the potential to do so.

I know that as a human being I have potential, I know that I can be better than I am. I know I can do better in school, I can be more active, I can lose weight, I can get better at guitar, I can be a better person, but often times lethargy and sheer apathy get in the way. I spew out excuses with shocking frequency and skill, always assuring myself there was some reason I did not achieve my goal. Yet, I still believe I can be better. My resolution this year: Prove it.

Prove it. Prove you can be better, do what it takes. Read more, go to the gym more often, floss every day, do whatever it takes. Work your ass off and prove to yourself that you can be better, because up to this point, it has been nothing but mediocre attempts and juvenile excuses.

This is not simply a New Year's resolution, this is a New Life resolution.

Find meaning, realize who you are. Prove to yourself that you can be better. Most importantly, do it for you.

Don't let the Bastards grind you down.

*(Stems from Albert Camus' ideas on the absurd)

Rebirth

2012-01-02T03:14:00.003-04:00

Rising from the ashes of a blog that was long thought to be deceased, comes something new.

I've decided I need to start writing again; I have so much on my mind that needs to get out. In the past, I've found this to be a particularly constructive way to let things out and reflect upon them. I suppose it's worth a shot, at any rate.

I'm not particularly going to commit to any sort of regularity as far as posting is concerned, but suffice it to say I'll be around far more often than I have been in the past year.

Cheers.

Follow Through

2011-02-07T02:17:00.003-04:00

Quite frankly, I need to work on my follow through. I try to be a man of my word, but when my words are empty what does that make me? I make empty promises, with vague intentions of keeping them but also with the realization that I will end up just falling short again.

My words will mean something more from now on.

Introspection

2011-01-29T01:43:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking. Trying to sort myself out I suppose. I need to figure out what's next. I'm already halfway into my degree and I need to start taking a more active role in determining where I go from here.

"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defence of custom. But the tumult soon subsides. Time makes more converts than reason."
-Thomas Paine

I'm reconsidering everything. I've come to realize I have a longstanding habit of thinking things will just work themselves out. This habit has the superficial appearance of being right, but I'm going to change that.

Time to get the metaphorical ball rollin' I suppose.

Peace

2011-01-22T17:46:00.003-04:00

For the last week, I've been reaching a breaking point. I could feel it building up within; I really didn't know how I was going to continue with things the way they were going. However, things changed today.

I've just discovered this incredible sense of peace with myself. Just through relaxing and playing guitar, all my troubles feel as though they have truly melted away.

I've gotten too far away from my music, and today is a sign I need to get back to it. It was the one thing that kept me sane up until now. It makes perfect sense that neglecting it would take a toll on my happiness.

Back I'll go to my guitar with the knowledge that, for the first time in quite awhile, I'm perfectly content.

Quiet

2011-01-17T23:53:00.004-04:00

Life, at present, seems to be at a standstill. Everything is quiet. My life is boring, but I've also go this odd underlying feeling of excitement. It's as if I'm building up to something I'm not currently aware of, but will be soon.

I'm feeling bizarre, bored and above all, restless.

If life is sex and entertainment, then I die some every day.

I need something new, I'm just so bored of things the way they are.

New Year

2011-01-09T23:50:00.004-04:00

A new semester, a new year. Time to grab the bull by the horns and get to work. I haven't posted much lately, and i'm going to attempt to change that. I'm going to make at least one post every week for the rest of the year! Perhaps one week will be a book, and another week will be a short sentence. The point is to get blogging more regularly. This is the best way I've found to get my thoughts out, and quite frankly, my head is full to the brim with them.

Time to let 'em loose.

Where do I go?

2010-12-09T02:55:00.003-04:00

Standing at the precipice of what feels like the rest of my life, I simply whisper, "Where do I go from here?".

Rebirth

2010-11-01T01:34:00.005-03:00

I think a part of me has died.

It sounds harsh, but I don't mean it in a particularly negative way. It's not so much the death of one piece as it is the birth of another.

My thought processes are changing. My decisions are changing. My attitude and outlook on life is changing. As trivial as it sounds, I think I'm growing up.

I've outgrown many of the things that held me back. Moments of nostalgia are ever decreasing, and I feel myself living more in the present. I feel like it has taken me far longer than others, but I think I have finally reached a point in my life where the past is finally just a memory. I've stopped wishing I could be living the life I was two years ago; I've realized that the present is full of opportunity.

The last year has been difficult for me. I've had to deal with some things that have made me question everything. The last year has honestly been the most difficult of my life. However, it has been the year that I've actually started to find myself. The more I've gone through, the more I've realized that I am beginning to find my place.

I've realized that I try too hard. I try to please everyone; I try to force things. I need to take life as it comes, and do what I can with it. I need to learn to live in the moment, and at the same time I need to learn to realize when that moment has passed.

I need to stop clinging to happy memories of the past, and start letting happiness find me in the present.

"Did you notice that happiness happens less, the more often you stop to find where its been hiding."

Summer

2010-08-12T23:47:00.003-03:00

Wow, I haven't posted since June. It's been quite a summer! I've been very busy with Work and such, I can't believe how quickly the past three months have flown by!

I've got 18 days until I move back to LBR, which is terribly exciting! I'm quite pumped to reunite with old friends, and also make some new friends :)

I don't really have much more to say, there's not a whole lot on my mind currently. I'm watching Ferris Bueller, I'm eating a Blizzard and I'm excited to go camping this weekend to get away from things.

I'm just generally content with life. It feels pretty nice :)

Floating

2010-06-25T01:27:00.008-03:00

I think I've figured it out. I think I've discovered what I lack.

It's purpose.

I lack purpose.

Something to put my heart into. Something to work towards, something to aspire to. Everyone else seems to have some sort of ambition; somewhere they want to get. Some sort of internal whisper saying "Move this way". I don't.

I'm not saying everyone else has it all figured out, I realize that isn't the case. What I do realize, is that even the people that don't know what they want to do, have some sort of feeling of purpose. They still have something that is driving them.

I feel like since I've left high school, I've become this huge mess. I'm just aimlessly floating around a world I don't quite fit into, with people I don't quite fit in with, working towards a degree I don't quite know if I want, moving towards a life I'm quite sure I'm not meant for. I feel as though I'm just letting myself go. I'm letting myself float onwards into a future I'm losing control over.

People are the one constant in my life. I feel happy to have some great friends. I feel happy that I have kindred spirits traveling along with me. Some differ from me in the fact that they seem to have a slight idea of where they're going, but I'm glad we share strong bonds.

I love my friends dearly, but I still long for something to seek out. A reason for my movement. If I keep floating, I'll likely end up somewhere I don't belong. I need to find purpose. With this realization, a search begins. A search for purpose, a search for drive and a search for direction to fill the next chapter of my book.

"My brother where do you intend to go tonight?"

Things are Lookin' Up

2010-06-20T00:52:00.005-03:00

It's been far too long since my last post. To be honest though, I've had no real reason to post. I generally write when i'm feeling depressed, or irritated or feeling some sort of general malaise, but I have honestly been in pretty good spirits lately.

Looking at my situation from the outside, I'd be quick to think that I'd have a lot to complain about. I'm stuck in the endless cycle of post-secondary driven poverty, with no signs of improvement. I've just finally found a job after a terribly depressing six week search, and I've come to the realization that 99% of the money I make this summer will have to help fund the increasingly more ridiculous cost of education. I've been terribly bored when I'm not job searching, seeing as the majority of my friends have jobs and aren't able to hang out especially often, and I've come to the realization that 8 months apart has put quite a distance between myself and some friends.

However, duality is what makes life interesting. I suppose I have things to complain about, but to be honest, things are finally looking up. I've found a job, and I'm actually looking forward to going to work this summer. In spite of the ridiculous cost of post-secondary, I'm excited to get back to school in the fall. I'm excited to get on with my life, to get out on my own again and live my life. I need to work particularly hard next semester, and my resolve has never been stronger. I'm ready to prove to myself and others that I'm smarter than I appear. I've developed a very apathetic attitude in the past couple years, and that needs to change. I'm going to be proactive, work hard and prove that I can do what I set out to do.

All in all,

Things are Lookin' Up.

Today.

2010-05-31T01:26:00.001-03:00

I feel empty.

Tuesday Nights

2010-04-28T01:50:00.005-03:00

Life is funny. You feel as though you've progressed. You feel as though you've moved on from something, and all of a sudden, you realize there is some fault in your thinking.

You realize that you've closed a chapter, and opened a new one, but you sometimes wish you could go back and reread the last chapter. Analyze the last chapter once more. Figure out what went wrong in that last chapter. Perhaps even rewrite it.

See, we all say that we regret nothing; that we wouldn't change anything. We all try and convince others that we are so strong-willed, that we wouldn't go back and fix something we messed up in life. We say the things we've done in life have made us who we are; events in the past have made us stronger.

I'm calling bullshit. We all have things we wish we could change. Sure, the events that have transpired to this point have shaped us, but we don't often look to how we've been shaped. If we could change things in the past, we could be shaped for the better.

Call me weak-minded, but there are things in the past I wish I could change. Things I wish I had said, or for that matter hadn't said.

As I move on with my life, I think about these things less and less. However, some Tuesday nights bring with them reminders of the past in unlikely ways. Some Tuesday nights bring a longing to change the past to the forefront of the mind.

Once in a blue moon, a Tuesday night brings the desire to be able to say just one thing. In order to say that one thing, I'd have to give up on all the positive change I've made.

I can't do that. Not yet.

Sorry.

Pass through.

2010-04-15T03:46:00.006-03:00

It's almost 4. It's dark.

I roll over and I see-

A shimmer in the air, a tiny flitter.

Is it my imagination?

Is it just the wind?

Is it something more?

Perhaps it's something I don't understand.

A creature, I can't understand.

Something I will never understand.

Whatever you are, shimmer in the darkness, I mean no harm to you, and you mean none to me.

Pass on through.

I feel at peace with you.

Acceptance

2010-03-16T03:15:00.004-03:00

I think I've finally accepted this life.

I'm no longer the person I was a year ago.

I'm not in the same place, with the same people, or in the same situations.

One year later, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will never again be the same person. I will never again walk the streets of Saint John in the same manner. I'm fine with that now.

I'm realizing that in order to really enjoy my new surroundings, I've got to embrace them.

I've got to let go of the past, and live in the present.

Maybe I've wasted close to a year trapped in nostalgia, but no longer.

Nostalgia be damned, it's time to seize the day.

formspring.me

2010-03-09T23:43:00.001-04:00

Ask me stuff :) http://formspring.me/benzeus

Nothing Special

2010-03-09T02:13:00.005-04:00

Hey blog. What's up? I don't have anything especially important to write tonight. Just thought I'd put up a little something for all those loyal readers ;).

Anyway, I'm sick. Which sucks. First day back to school and I get the worst flu I've ever had. So that's fun.

I'm working on being more comfortable with myself. It's actually going well. The first step to being comfortable with myself is realizing what I'm really made of. I need to know what really motivates me. Becoming comfortable with myself is the first step to self actualization. Although I'm not sure if complete self-actualization is possible to be honest. What I do know, is that I want to become comfortable with myself.

I want to live up to my potential, to become self-actualized. I'm beginning to take the first step.

The Grass isn't Greener

2010-02-22T05:04:00.007-04:00

You once looked over the fence at grass that looked oh so green.

You longed to hop over the fence; to run and play in the luscious green field that was, at the time, just out of reach.

Too bad you didn't realize at the time, the grass you were standing in was pretty green too.

______________________________________________________________________

Finally, you found a way over the fence.

You hopped onto the luscious green grass, and for a time, everything felt right.

But something wasn't right, this field, wasn't what it seemed.

_____________________________________________________________________

The grass was made of plastic, much to your dismay.

It seemed real at first, but when you looked closer, you learned the truth.

Frantically, you turned and tried to hop back over the fence.

____________________________________________________________________

You thought, "If I can just get back over, everything will be fine".

You were wrong.

The fence has grown now, to an unimaginable height.

There's no getting back to the green grass that used to be plentiful.

Now, it's just you and the fake plastic grass you wanted oh so much.

Good work kid.

No Expectations

2010-02-05T04:35:00.004-04:00

Once I was a rich man

Now I am so poor

But Never in my sweet short life

Have I felt like this,

Before

I’m closing one chapter, opening another. Instead of having expectations that aren’t going to be met, this time, I won’t have any. No expectations.

I’m going too see where life takes me, and be happy with it.

So take me to the airport

and put me on a plane

I’ve got no expectations

To pass through here,

again.

Look Back & Smile

2010-01-27T00:42:00.005-04:00

I want to change the world.

I want to be lay upon my deathbed, looking back upon my life, and smile.

I want to leave an impact for the better on this world.

I may be an idealist, but I think change is possible. I believe that even throughout the crazy things going on in the world; stock market crashes, terrorism, disasters, government corruption and evil, there still lies an inherent good within mankind. I want to bring out that good, and use it to effect change in society.

I want to help people. I'm not saying going to change the lives of millions, but I am saying I want to change the lives of any people I can.

Whether it be through volunteering at a soup kitchen, donating money to the poor, or going to Africa to build wells, I want to change the world. I want to see the difference in the lives of individuals.

I really don't know how, but I'm going to do what I can. The first step: Education. I need to really learn about what's going. The workings of the world and the societies within it.

Secondly, I need to use that education to help in whatever way I can.

I want to be able to lay on my deathbed without regret.

I want to help. I want to make change.

I guess I'll see where it takes me.

First say to yourself what you would be;

and then do what you have to do

-Epictetus

Creative Inspiration

2010-01-22T00:08:00.003-04:00

Longingly, I sit in futility. Without the ability to grasp you, I sit in disdain.

Disdain quickly fades to disappointment and takes root in my core, like a gnarled vine twisting around my dreams.

Disappointment gives way to apathy, and most often snacks.

I lie between the reddish arms of my seat, and the vine of disappointment shrivels into the soils of apathy.

I sit, and allow apathy consume me; giving into menial activity.

Then, a small plant begins to rise from the soil of apathy.

It grows with astounding speed, surprising me.

Knowing I have but seconds to grab the plant, I grasp wildly.

I grab you at the last possible second, pulling you tightly down to my core.

You grow into something incredible.

Inspiration.

Creativity.

Creative Inspiration.

Feel

2010-01-13T14:05:00.004-04:00

Have you ever felt completely consumed by music? It's incredible how this mixture of sounds makes you feel invincible. It's like there's some greater force entrusting to you the wisdom contained within the notes, transporting you to a higher plain of consciousness.

It's incredible.

Listen to the sounds that are so utterly enveloping.

Let it flow through you.

Feel powerful, mystical, consumed.

Feel the beat pumping through your veins.

Feel the rhythm rising and falling, inhaling and exhaling.

Feel the music.

Feel truly alive.

"Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable."

-Samuel Johnson

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

2010-01-04T22:30:00.003-04:00

Things are going to change. I'm determined not to sell myself short. This last semester has really been a wakeup call for me, and I've realized if I don't change, I'm going to end up going down a path I don't want to take.

I'm not in a good spot. I weigh more than I ever have in my life, I'm out of shape, I've been sick more than usual, my marks could definitely be better, and I'm altogether dissatisfied with life.

Out of this dissatisfaction, the longing for change has emerged. With this longing, the ability to do so is also now present. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm changing the way I live, in the hopes I can make life better for myself and those around me :)

Words

2010-01-02T01:59:00.003-04:00

Words.

Words. Words.

Words. Words. Words.

Words. Words. Words. Words.

Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words. Words.

I've got so many words.

Yet I lack sentences with which to express them.

Out of Reach

2010-01-02T01:44:00.003-04:00

It's different now.

If I've learned anything over the past few weeks it's this: things aren't going back to the way they were. Not in the near future at least. Summer may come, and illusions of a past life may come into focus, but they will remain exactly that: Illusions.

I've never felt more inner sadness or depression than I do at this point in my life, and I wonder why that is. I lack the fulfillment and joy I used to find in every day life, and I can't seem to get it back.

Perhaps, I just never moved on. A large chapter of my life ended with high school. People moved, relationships changed, and i'm just living in some sort of fantasy world thinking it will all go back to the way it was.

It won't go back though, and i've realized i'm not going to be happy again until I move on. It kills me to leave behind that life, but it's time.

The thing about leaving something behind, is that it brings with it a stark realization. It's in the past. The fact that you have to leave something behind truly signifies the fact that it can't continue the journey with you. It's just baggage.

I'll always cherish the memories, but wishing I could live that life again is foolish.

Time to drop the baggage, and find what makes me happy again.

Home

2009-12-07T02:28:00.008-04:00

Home is not a place.

Sure, the word evokes imagery: the physical building where I grew up, the neighbourhood, the city, the province, the country, the part of the world. I've really come to realize that this is not the case.

Home is not a building.

A house is a building. Home, however, takes with it a much more significant meaning. The place where you live is no more your home then the place you buy your groceries.

Home changes.

I grew up in Saint John, and now live also in Fredericton. Whenever I'm going back to visit, I come to a clearer and clearer realization. Home is not just a place. Home is not just Saint john. Every time I go back, I enjoy seeing friends and family, but at the same time I miss those who are no longer there even more.

Home is people.

The place is not important; the important thing is the people in that place. Home is not the building, the landmarks, or the street. It's the feeling of contentment that comes from time spent with friends and loved ones.

When you go to the place you consider home, and the people are missing, it doesn't feel quite the same. No amount of nostalgia can make up for the fact that things have changed.

The place where you can be with the people you care about is home, much more than any building or city ever will be.

Reflection

2009-11-09T02:56:00.002-04:00

I looked in the mirror tonight. At first glance, I looked at myself, and was not happy with what I saw. I thought back to the unending struggle of looking oneself in the mirror, and being displeased with who was looking back.

Tonight, however, was different.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and, for one of the first times, I was a little bit happy. I was not happy about my actions over the last while, not about what I’ve amounted to, and certainly not about the fact that I have no idea where I’m going on this walk of life. I was happy about the fact, that within the face looking back at me, I saw potential. I realized that dissatisfaction is a good thing. Dissatisfaction with my current self shows me an inner longing to be better than what I am now. In essence, dissatisfaction shows me my potential for growth. Potential to grow into something I'm pleased with. Potential to find out which road of life I should be walking down. Potential to grow into what I eventually want to be, whatever that is.

Not a bad night.

Clarity

2009-10-25T05:28:00.001-03:00

Such a foggy haze of confusion, and such bright and shining clarity have both come to me in the same night. There is something in my life that needs to be gone. I have to stop thinking what-if, and move on. While that something remains in my life, I won't be able to move on. I thought I could live with things like this, but the truth is, I have to take this thing completely out of my life. It's probably going to be one of the hardest things I've had to do, but it needs to be done. You need to be gone in order for me to move on.

I'm sorry.

Wrong Key? or Wrong lock?

2009-10-18T23:18:00.001-03:00

Something isn't fitting. I still feel like something just isn't right. I had been thinking that perhaps it's just one aspect of my life; one little thing that just needed to click into place, and everything would seem to fit again. I felt as those perhaps I'd just been trying to open a lock with the wrong key, and that once I found the right key, everything would open up.

That's not true at all.

It's not just the wrong key. I've got the wrong lock.

It's not just one little thing in my life that needs to change; it's not just the wrong key. There are big things I've gotta change, I've gotta step back and completely rethink what I'm doing. I love the lifestyle I'm living, and the people here, but, I feel like i'm still out of place. I just can't seem to get it right. I'm not where I need to be.

Now all I need is to find out where I need to be actually is.

I don't actually think the place I really want to be exists.

Resolution

2009-10-11T05:57:00.001-03:00

There are aspects of my life I don't like. Things that aren't right. After a lot of thought, I've made some resolutions to change those things. This is a post to remind me of that fact. I need to stick to my resolutions; from here on in, things are gonna change.

Trying too hard

2009-09-20T22:30:00.001-03:00

I'm trying too hard. I've gotta step back and let things happen naturally, because I'm not gonna last if I keep on like this.

I really feel like I've gotta get my bearings. I've gotta get grounded, then go from there.

In the last week...

2009-09-09T02:51:00.001-03:00

In the last week, my life has changed drastically.

With an opening line like that, one would think this would be some sort of deep and introspective post, however, this is entirely not the case.

I just thought I'd fill all you avid readers in on what I've been up to lately. By avid readers, I mean the few people who've told me they read this, and anyone else who might stumble upon it and find my words likeable :)

I'm in University now, and quite frankly it's amazing. I'm loving every minute so far, it's been a ton of fun. I'm experiencing new freedom, new people, a new place to live, new classes and essentially a totally new environment.

So far, I've realized , the greatest thing about university is that noone cares. No one cares what time I eat, when I go to sleep, or if I want to roll down a hill at 130 in the morning.

I've also realized that the worst thing about university is that noone cares. Noone will be chasing after me for assignments, or making me go to classes. I have got to do this all of my own initiative.

I understand I have responsibility. I'm going to try and stay on top of things, and stay organized. In addition though, I love the freedom. I'm having the time of my life. and at this point in time I just don't want it to end. It's great to know that it won't end for awhile actually, because in all reality, it's just beginning.

Why?

2009-08-25T01:42:00.003-03:00

Why am I here? What’s my purpose?

I believe in God. I believe there’s some sort of greater force watching over us, guiding us along our journey. Growing up in church, I obviously had this notion never-endingly reinforced. I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all, but, as my life goes on, I'm becoming more and more sceptical. Things just don’t make sense to me anymore like they used to. I’ve been soul-searching for what feels like the longest time now, trying to figure everything out, and it’s not getting easier. I just need to find a sense of understanding, and a sense of purpose, because right now: what I used to believe just isn’t cutting it.

The journey continues.

Almost

2009-08-04T22:03:00.002-03:00

A toast: to things that almost could have been.

To the wasted opportunities.

To the times my own short-comings and insecurities made me blame it all on you.

To the times that brought me so much happiness, and so much despair.

To the things that could’ve been like shining jewels upon a pedestal, and instead became like discarded tin cans on the side of the road.

To the things that slipped just out of reach.

I sometimes wish that I could have another chance, to turn all the almosts into real things.

I know I won’t though, because, how often does opportunity knock twice?

I must find comfort in the fact that all these almosts have helped define me, so that in the future, I can know how not to waste an opportunity.

Reality Check

2009-08-04T00:14:00.002-03:00

So, I wasn't back on track.

Not even close.

I had the illusion that I had started to get back up off the floor and back on the tracks, but in reality, it was just that; an illusion.

Things went back to like they were before.

I thought I had changed, but, that thought must have stemmed from the fact that I was momentarily removed from the real world. Frozen in one glorious week-long high on life.

It was all downhill from there.

I was so close that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but as soon as it appeared, it was gone.

I guess the treacherous trek begins again. However, I feel that because of that week, and a few other things in my life, I'm beginning the trek this time a few feet closer to my goal.

Time will tell.

Lately

2009-07-22T21:48:00.001-03:00

The last couple weeks have been ridiculous. Not ridiculous in the negative sense by any stretch, more so ridiculous in the busyness area. It has however, been quite an intriguing couple of weeks. I might write more in depth on another warm summer's evening, but rest assured knowing that I've started setting my priorities straight.

I think I'm getting back on the right track.

Angles

2009-07-07T23:58:00.001-03:00

I'm looking at life from a different angle.

I like it.

I'm gaining some new insight and perspective into things.

I'm thinking of things in a different way.

It brings me happiness.

It brings me inspiration.

It motivates me.

Most importantly, its giving me something to look forward to.

Seriously.

2009-07-06T23:42:00.002-03:00

What am I even doing. I don't like what I've become. When I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with myself. I don't like the choices I've made that have gotten me to this point, and I don't know what to do to get back.

I'm standing at a crossroads. I can tell. The time is getting near when I'm going to have to stop playing both sides of the fence, and choose.

When that moment comes, I can honestly say I have no idea what I'm going to do.

It scares me more than anything.

Slump

2009-07-05T20:06:00.001-03:00

I haven't posted much lately. While this is sad, it is not meaningless. Aside from being busy, I haven't blogged lately for one sole reason: inspiration. I've had a real lack of inspiration lately. The words just aren't coming to me. I will try to post more, but, I can't force it. Forcing the words to come to me just isn't right. I know I'll find them soon. I can feel it.

Experiences

2009-04-25T00:03:00.001-03:00

Our minds are interesting things. Opening them up to new and different ideals is cool once and awhile. It feels very nice.

Try something new! Go for a walk. Read a book. Go to a different concert venue, walk a different road, I don't care. Throw in some change, it feels good.

Anger, Cheerful Anticipation and Optimism. What a Night.

2009-04-22T23:05:00.001-03:00

I
Started
This
Evening
Angry.

I was straight up pissed off. I'm not an angry person, and for me to be mad is quite an unusual thing. It was just a culmination of an entire year of stress starting to come out due to the fact that graduation is super close. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed at the moment. I have so many things to do, I just don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time.

I got home, struck up some unnecessary arguments, just because I was pissed off. I soon realized how pointless that was, and went to my room to just cool off.

I laid down, threw on some reggae, and just thought. I conversed with a few people on msn and whatnot, and began to feel more chill. After a couple hours of listening to Mr. Marley and talking with folks I started to feel even more relaxed. Now, I'm at the point where I feel totally calm and collected.

I guess my main reason for blogging about this, is that I found the gradual progression of my mood interesting. I went from really angry, to slightly angry, to calmer, to chill, to just completely cool in the space of a couple hours. I slowly felt better whilst listening to this music, to the point now where I'm filled with an odd emotion. More than happiness, but not quite joy. Perhaps it could be described as a sort of cheerful anticipation.

The week so far has been bullshit, but the rest of the week to follow appears as though it will be fantastic. School tomorrow, followed by a concert tomorrow night. Then a coffee house and a bonfire friday night, looks like its gonna be a decent time. Things are looking up in the short term, which is all I really care to think about right now. I've just gotta ignore all the garbage, and try and make things the best I can for myself and those around me.

"You see men sailing on their ego trip,
Blast off on their spaceship,
Million miles from reality:
No care for you, no care for me.

So much trouble in the world;
So much trouble in the world.
All you got to do: give a little"

Starting Fresh

2009-04-20T00:10:00.002-03:00

Public schooling is coming to an end. With this last couple months zipping along, it seems as if in no time I'll finally be in university. I'll finally be out of this town which as of late is just constantly crushing my spirits. I've got one big opportunity to leave it all, and start over fresh.

Sure, I've got some friends going to the same school, which is fantastic. However, to everyone else, who am I? I'm no one. I'm just another face passing by through the day. They have no idea who I am, what I enjoy, or what I believe. This raises some interesting questions.

Who am I going to be after high school? I could be anybody really. I mean, going away and starting new gives me this unique opportunity to be whoever I want to be in the future. People will only know me for what I say and do there, not based on things that have happened in the past.

This opportunity is both exciting and scary. Should I continue to be the same old me? One of my biggest flaws is that I'm afraid to really speak my mind and take risks, outside of situations with my close friends. Do I want to change that? Should I become a risk-taker? Or stick to trying to be smart about things. Should I be the guy who always speaks his mind, or keeps his thoughts to himself?

This situation fills me with excitement and apprehension. I think it will be a true test of character to see who I become over the next while. I expect to finally be introduced to my true self, because honestly, I have no idea who he is anymore.

"Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good, as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did"

Inspiration

2009-04-14T23:52:00.002-03:00

Where do you come from?
Where do you go to?
You're not to be called upon when I wish I could have you,
Instead you come to me at the most unusual times.
You're inexplicable.

You're floating around me.
A little spot that appears in the corner of my eye
disappearing as soon as I attempt to capture you.

When I stop trying to capture you however, this is when you strike.
Swiftly and without warning.
You fill me with Words.
With Music.
Sometimes you take words away.

You introduce me to the intricate melodies of life.

Perception.

2009-04-07T23:02:00.001-03:00

I've been thinking. I was in a thinking mood tonight, so, naturally, I threw on Live at Radio City. This album just envelopes me, every time I listen to it. The music seems to surround me, and flow through me, transporting to me to what feels like a different part of my consciousness. The part of my consciousness that is both great and awful, the part of my consciousness that allows me to see things in an almost different and more revealing light.

Tonight, the song "Crush" is making me think.

"Its crazy, I'm thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
I'm here, I'm dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down, and is this real, or am I dreaming?"

The way we live our lives is based on the way we perceive things. When someone says they're happy, how do you really know they're happy? Sure, we have the affirmation from their voice, and perhaps even their expression, but deep down, how do we know they're truly happy? The way we perceive people and things, and the way they actually are, are such completely different things.

A character in Waking Life put it well,

"When I say 'love', the sound comes out of my mouth and hits the other person's ear, travels through this byzantine conduit in their brain, through their memories of love--or lack of love--and they register what I am saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They're just symbols. They're dead. And so much of our experience is intangible."

How is it possible to communicate the intangible through something as inert as language? Sure, you can grasp a rough idea of what someone feels through their expressions or through dialogue, but in reality, simply talking doesn't cut it.

How can we use something as dead as language to express emotions and ideas that are very much alive? Essentially, how can we know we truly understand each other?

We can't.

It's all a matter of perception.

Liberation is Difficult

2009-04-06T11:16:00.001-03:00

In my quest to be liberated from the negative, Ive hit a snare. Ive tried as hard as I can, and still things come up that make me feel like garbage essentially. The past twelve hours have been fairly shitty, and as a result today has just gotten off to a brutal start. I said some things to people I should have said a long time ago, but could not sum up the courage to do. Having said these things, I feel as though a burden has been lifted from me, but I don't feel happy like I thought I would.

I think some of the negativity comes from some changeless things in my life. Certain relationships, and certain other things. I'm honestly beginning to think this is a result of being bored with my life. Now, being bored with my life, and being bored with life are two different things in my opinion, so let me clarify.

Bored with life, would suggest I no longer enjoy living, which is most certainly not the case. I enjoy life, and when I'm with friends and having fun, I still feel on top of the world. My problems seem to stem with being bored with my life, or at least, parts of my life.

For the past 18 years, I've lived in the same place, my biggest move being across the street. I've lived in the same city, talked with many of the same people, and done many of the same things. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my friends and family, because I do, it's just that I'm beginning to be bored of the same routine. I long for something new and exciting, some sort of change. I know that in 5 months I'll be moving out, and going away to University, which is definitely a big change, but what about up until then?

What can I do to add some excitement to my life? How can I add that extra something that just seems to be missing?

I'd like nothing more than to just, travel to some far away country, and just explore. Perhaps with musicians, who would be willing to explore an unknown landscape, and make music throughout.

However, I of course, have to be sensible. Be a good responsible teenager and go to college, so I can spend four years of life studying my balls off, and end up in some mediocre dead-end job 40,000$ in debt. It seems there's so much to look forward to.

I saw a movie last night called The Rocker. It was decent, but that's beside the point. There was a song in it, that had lyrics that kinda summed up what I'm thinking.

"I'm not bitter, but I've seen better days"

So, we'll see what happens next.

Do you like your cucumbers fresh?

2009-03-29T23:22:00.001-03:00

So, who likes movie reviews? We've got a new blog, giving you our opinions on lots of different movies. Presently, becks is focusing on the horror genre, myself on comedy. It's pretty fantastic, and there will be much more coming up. Check it out! :D

www.fresh-cucumbers.blogspot.com

Yes

2009-03-21T23:22:00.003-03:00

I'm feeling fantastic. I've been thinking. I've realized something. Every bad thing that has happened to me in the past, is now irrelevant. Every single thing that I've been holding onto, and has been dragging me down, doesn't matter. It's all in the past. It's done.

What's the point of holding onto dark things of a past life?

There's
No
Point.

Upon having this realization, my life outlook has been changed. I no longer see things clouded by past transgressions. I'm now beginning to see nothing but a bright future.

Honestly, what does holding onto negativity do? It creates more negativity. I want to be liberated from the negative.

"The quest is to be liberated from the negative, which is really our own will to nothingness. And, once having said yes to the instant, the affirmation is contagious. It bursts into a chain of affirmations that knows no limit. To say yes to one instant, is to say yes to all of existence." -Waking Life

I'm saying yes to the instant. Saying yes to all of existence.

Yes.

Uncertainties

2009-03-08T21:08:00.001-03:00

I
suck
at
decision
making.

Why is it so difficult to make decisions? I'm always weighing possible outcomes, good, bad, and everything between, never coming to a solid conclusion. I'm feeling so full of anxiety and doubts. Sooner or later though, I'm going to have to make tough decisions. The inevitability of this kills me. People and things that are so wrong for me, and yet seem so right. Aspects of life I know, shouldn't even be aspects of my life, and yet, they are. They're so incredibly cemented there, I couldn't get rid of them if I tried.

I
Shouldn't
Feel
This
Way
But
I
Do.

Now what?

I Have These Walls, Built Up So Strong.

2009-02-03T04:07:00.001-04:00

wall
–noun
1. any of various permanent upright constructions having a length much greater than the thickness and presenting a continuous surface except where pierced by doors, windows, etc.: used for shelter, protection, or privacy, or to subdivide interior space, to support floors, roofs, or the like, to retain earth, to fence in an area, etc.
2. Usually, walls. a rampart raised for defensive purposes.
3. an immaterial or intangible barrier, obstruction, etc., suggesting a wall: a wall of prejudice.

I've been thinking.

What's new, eh?

At any rate, I've come to some conclusions. These conclusions have lead me to realize that I've got some walls.

See, I've got these three kinds of walls built up, like the three definitions of the word itself.

1. The first definition of the word is like my exterior. It's seemingly permanent, but there are some doors and windows in. I've got an apparently solid personality, and to most people, I what I appear to be. However, the outside world will sometimes catch a glimpse through one of my windows; discovering there's much more than meets the eye.

This wall is used mainly for privacy. I don't feel comfortable showing everyone what i'm like inside. Some of the bricks that compose my outer wall are authentic, but many aren't. The way I generally act is not a false representation of myself. However, it is very much an edited version. This wall pushes people away who get close. However, the brave souls who stand outside peering, may eventually encounter a doorway to my second wall.

2. My second wall is used for defensive purposes. I'm a big talker, and a big thinker, but not a big implementer. My dreams are huge, but when it comes to putting them into motion, there's some sort of disconnect I encounter. I settle into some sort of inexplicable apathetic state. I need to fix it, but I don't know how.

I think this disconnect can be partially attributed to fear. I'm afraid to really follow my dreams. I dread the possibility that things won't turn out, and that my dreams will be shattered. However, the opposite is most definitely possible, but being afraid keeps me from finding out. I feel like this fear occurs in self-defense, but I also need to put it aside and take more risks. Until this wall is broken down, I'll continue to struggle.

Standing outside the second wall long enough, a brick just might crumble. The reward; a glimpse at my third and most private wall.

3. An intangible barrier or obstruction. The most secret and toughest wall to deal with. The third wall is a simple fact that brings with it many consequences.

I still don't really know who I am. I'm gaining a better idea as I walk along, but I still don't have a fully formed image of self. I think it's why I have an incredibly tough time having a normal romantic relationship, or even many close friendships. Aside from a few really good friends, I have trouble getting close to people. I enjoy being sociable, and I love all my friends, but there are very few people who I feel genuinely close to. I feel scared to let people in, because I'm afraid they'll won't like what they see. I'm afraid that others won't like what they see because, I don't really like what I see. I don't know what defines me, and until I figure it out, I feel like I won't be able to really get anywhere. I can't fully put myself out there for others, because i'm not completely comfortable with who I am first and foremost.

I can talk, and have great conversations but when it comes to following through with my actions, I get lost. When i'm face to face with a person, my walls go up, and I leave them trapped outside.

Walls. One thing which invariably separate us from each other. Or, in my case, three things that invariably separate me from others.

The walk continues.

Stained Glass Masquerade

2009-01-15T21:22:00.001-04:00

MASKS. Masks. Masks. Masks. Masks. Masks. So many masks.

False personae put on for every different damned thing I do. Who am I? Really, I don't even know.

Hey, Church mask, meet home mask. You've been introduced? Fantastic. Meet the hanging with friends mask. Awesome, know that you're acquainted, meet scholastic mask and party mask. Greeeeeeeattt. We're all introduced now.

Why is it so hard to be one person? I hope i'm not the sole person struggling with this, and if I am, well.. that makes me that much more screwed up. I have to admit this though. I'm so different around so many different groups of person. I'm afraid I suppose. I can't let one persona conflict with the others, and have this "perfect" little world of mine come crashing down on me. Although hardly perfect by any standards.

Regardless, what happened? What happened? Honestly. I remember a time when I could just be me, and not worry about where I was, or who I was with. But now, I can't. I really can't do it. I try to bring one persona out within a different group, and I almost immediately lock it away in the closet of my subconscious.

The thing about hiding behind so many masks, is that it chips away at you. It takes pieces away from you. So, you're not whole anymore. There's no longer just one me in a sense, but, many different versions of me. When you split yourself up so much, you're no longer the same. Sure, you can patch yourself up, but, there will always be those cracks there. Cracks that remind you of your brokenness. And eventually, those cracks get bigger, and you split apart again. It's no good being splintered. I need to get back to being whole.

How? I don't know. I think I need to redefine myself. Rebuild essentially. Start from the ground up, and realize who I am. That means getting back to my good friends, my religion, and the things I know are good for me. Thing is, I don't know how.

It's like I spent a long time on a mountaintop. Never quite realizing how fortunate I was to be on top of the mountain. In my naivety, I peered over the edge, and took a step too far. I fell off the mountain. Looking up from the bottom, the top now never looked sweeter.

I know I want to get back up the mountain. It's going to be much more tough than what staying at the top would've been, but, I'm down now, no helping that. If I could simply be back at the top, that would be great. Life's not that easy though. It's going to take work getting back up this thing.

It's time to begin the precarious trek back up the mountain.

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds."

-Redemption Song - Bob Marley

Take a Good Hard Look.

2009-01-07T23:16:00.001-04:00

I started trying today.

I started to actually think. To actually consider my future. I realized that I don't really know what exactly it is I've realized. If that makes any sense. The best way of describing it would be some sort of self realization, or personal revelation as it were. I took a step back and examined my life, and realized I didn't incredibly like the way it was going.

I want to be successful. When I'm old and looking back on my life, I want to be filled with happiness, not regret. However, upon further inspection of my recent choices, which universities to apply to, and what programs to enter, a couple things have come to mind. My choices decision making seems almost selfish to me. The only thing I had in mind when applying is money. Money, Money, Money. And that's not right. I'd been considering the jobs I could get after University, mainly the financial aspect of these jobs. Quite frankly, that doesn't make me happy. Something in my subconscious was telling me not to search for something that would make me happy, but for something which I could meander my way through, and eventually be successful in, to the ultimate end of a nice paycheck.

My realization has been that, quite frankly, I've been thinking of things in a shallow manner. Sure, money is important, but, it's not everything. I've decided that I should be searching for something which will bring me happiness. I want to find something that I can come home from every day with a smile on my face. I want to be able to get up in the mornings ready to face life's challenges, instead of just dragging myself out of bed to a job I hate. I think I'd rather be happy.

However, I guess a lot depends on your definition of success. I think the conventional connotation has to do with money honestly. In our society, I think the way we think of success as being directly linked to a person's essential monetary value. When you hear talk of a "successful" person, it's generally someone with a good job, a nice house, a nice family, and a decent sized bank account. I don't think that's what success is.

I looked up success in the dictionary. Most definitions referred to wealth, position and social status. I figured I needed those things to be "successful". So, naturally I'd been thinking about the future with those things in mind. In all honesty, I think all having a lot of money gets you, is a desire for more money. After really thinking about it, I think "success" is pretty simple. I think it has to do with happiness. If a person can do something, whatever it may be, and be happy with themselves, I think they're successful. Regardless of the car you drive, your social status, the size of your house, or the size of your paycheck, if you can do something and be happy with it, in my mind you are a success.

Upon thinking about this, I've realized that I do want to be successful, and I also want to be happy. These aren't two separate things though. In my mind, a person cannot be truly successful, without first being happy with themselves. Bearing all this in mind, I've decided I need to take a risk. I don't think the path i'm going down will make me truly happy. Sure, I'd probably do alright, and float by being moderately happy in life, but that doesn't really appeal to me.

If I want to be happy, I need take risks. I need to stray from the conventional, and do what makes me happy. I need to strive to be the best I can, and do what will bring me fulfillment. I need to stray from the common path, and follow my own. I need to be motivated, because I know It won't be easy, but in the end, I think it will be worth it.

Music is what makes me happy. Quite honestly though, I never thought music could be any more to me than a hobby. Lately, I've been thinking otherwise. I've been thinking about actually pursing further schooling in music after high school. Sure, it might be a long shot, but, I love it, and that's a good start.

"I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright
I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright
'Cause I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love "

-The Beatles - Can't Buy Me Love

You Better Start Swimmin, Or You'll Sink Like A Stone. The Times, They Are A-Changin.

2009-01-06T21:49:00.001-04:00

Sooo. I guess I've decided to start a blog. Lots of friends are doing it, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm always up for something new.

I'm in quite an odd place right now. It seems like I'm at such a crossroads in my life, and quite frankly, I'm unsure of which road to travel. I've begun to realize my attempts to essentially do everything, to have the best of all worlds, are failing. As much as I'd like to say everything is fantastic, it isn't. I've begun to realize that spreading myself out so thin, across so many activities and groups of people, have left me feeling more alone and empty than I'd thought it would. I still have my core group of friends, and for them, I'm so thankful. They keep me going essentially. I'm coming to a point in my life where I need to make decisions, which, I don't want to make. I want everything to stay the same, in a state of suspended animation.

I guess I'm slightly afraid of change, because it brings with it the unknown. I like to stick to what I know, what I'm familiar with, and the thought of graduating both scares and excites me. On the one hand, the thought of finally having a big change in my life is exciting. I'm stuck in a rut, and a chance to climb out is great. To be able to leave home, stretch my wings, and experience some independence excites me. A fresh start is what I need right now, a chance to really rediscover who I am, because I quite honestly don't know anymore.

On the other hand, such a big change also frightens me. I'm not really a fan of change, and such a monumental series of changes in my life, quite frankly scares me. I'm not ashamed to admit that so much changing in such a short period of time, actually frightens me. I'm glad to have some good friends who are going through the same things with me, without them, I don't know how I'd make it. All things said and done, I know I can make it through.

Friendships. I've really started to realized who my true friends are. Past relationships are not as strong as they used to be, due to many things. Different schools, different social groups, different hobbies, jobs, etc. It was inevitable I suppose, however, the realization that these friendships are not what they used to be saddens me. These friendships are not gone, the bonds formed with people will never disappear, but they are simply not as strong as they used to be. I don't regret anything in the past, and I still enjoy the company of all these people. It's not like there is any animosity, just an increasingly evident lack of strength in many bonds. This is a painful realization, but an essential one. Grasping at straws of times long past serves no purpose, other than filling my mind with fond memories. I will always cherish these memories, but I need to bring myself to completely understand that they are in the past, no matter how much I wish it were different.

However, while noticing that some relationships are fading, I've also noticed some becoming much stronger, and I'm thankful for that. Good friends are hard to find, and knowing I've found some makes me happy.

All these changes both frighten and excite me. The excitement of a new start, mixed with the fear of the unfamiliar, truly create an indescribable feeling. I don't know where a lot of things are going, but, I guess I've finally begun to realize sitting around and waiting does no good. I've got to go out and actually make things happen, take initiative, and discover what to do.

"Lookin' back to find my way, never seemed so hard
Yesterday's been laid to rest, changing of the guard
I would never change a thing, even if I could
All the songs we used to sing, everything was good

A little bit of resolve is what I need now."

-Resolve - The Foo Fighters.